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kruder&dorfmeister (Free verse) by rockinindividual
it was coffee shop music for lack of better words it was drums pounding rhythms and a voice crying out mutilated songs that were sewn back together a mass of scar tissue glossy and smooth you could say glossy and smooth, i suppose but you'd be forgetting those drums reverberating from rainforests and that voice that sexy sultry voice drifting from jazzy coffee shops you could say sexy and sultry, i suppose but then you're hit by a power chord fusion sending an electric current through us all widening our eyes and powering our hips filling our souls with a persistent pulsing dance beat escalating as our feet can't stand still you could say persistent and pulsing, i suppose but just when you think it will explode with emotion, it loses energy and power stripping down to the bare soul leaving nothing but that voice whispering carefully chosen words that weave through your mind brushing your lips with smiles it may not have a name it may not have a genre a windowless airless box leaving no room to breathe but thats all the better, i say breathe, i say fill your lungs with air and exhale your nameless music

Up the ladder: You Are My Life
Down the ladder: A Dream of Dragons

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.9403987
Overall Rank: 9046
Posted: April 16, 2003 1:48 PM PDT; Last modified: May 1, 2003 6:05 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] blurryphotograph @ 24.163.40.238 | 16-Apr-03/2:35 PM | Reply
I totally wish i hadn't given your other poems 10s..or 9s...or whatever...because i think this blows them ALL away..

I might have to think about this for awhile..because..i can't decide whether captitalization would work better for this one..I know it's not your style..but sometimes they flow better..or whatever..

I LOVE THIS!..mmm 10..i am thinking..
[n/a] rockinindividual @ 24.136.137.164 > blurryphotograph | 16-Apr-03/5:46 PM | Reply
if it would work better, tell me. im totally open...capitalization has only not worked in most of my other stuff. theres no bad time to start!
[4] Blindproject217 @ 68.38.194.4 | 28-Apr-03/10:26 PM | Reply
I like the feeling of going with the music and all but i could never get into that coffee house crap. Like everything I think this could be better if you took a couple more looks at it and made some adjustment, I dunno somthing else is holding this back and im not sure what. I have to think about it more. but for know here is a 4. P.S. I really wish you would add more to the last poem you did, it started going somewhere and then it ended I was dissapointed I wanted to hear the rest of it, whenever you finish it i have a ten waiting for you, I mean come on, with a beginning like that you can write anything.
[n/a] rockinindividual @ 24.136.137.164 > Blindproject217 | 1-May-03/5:59 PM | Reply
yeah i made some adjustments earlier this week...they're posted now. i know what you mean about something holding it back. ive been struggling with this piece for a few weeeks now. if you still feel that way with the new changes (i still do) let me know...you just might be the thing that will set this poem free. also...the last poem i did...which one do you mean? ive written more on my sunset conversation poem...if thats what you meant. its posted as a separate version.
[7] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46 | 29-Apr-03/6:38 AM | Reply
interesting change-ups. find and alternative for sexy and sultry(cliche) I like the word groovy so I'll let you slide there. rather good
[9] Ranger @ 213.1.45.6 | 2-May-03/1:19 PM | Reply
Nice, opener is wicked. What more can I say? 9
I would love for you to let me know what you think of my latest effort, the fairytale one.
[5] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223 | 3-May-03/1:48 PM | Reply
I felt like this didn't hold my attention too well. Its not bad but it is lacking in some aspect that I feel could be there but isn't(I have no clue what it is either and thats driving me nuts). Its held back when it needs to read more smooth and sexy like a coffee house music. -5-
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