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All I Feel (Lyric) by brokenwing
I can't sleep so I sit and watch you lying upon my bed asleep, covered only by the darkness and my partly twisted sheet. You look so calm, so content that I dare not even breathe, for fear that if I do the beauty would surely leave. Your face is gently bathed in the moons flourescent beams, and shows no indication of the content of your dreams. Your body slowly moves and invades my side of the bed, and I watch in fascination as you slowly move your head. From outside the bedroom window the noise continually drifts on in, and the lights from passing cars gently dance upon your skin. I have never known such beauty as that which rests 3 feet away, who seems to grow even more so untouched by the light of day. At times watching you is like a dream something totally unreal, it is then with thoughts like this I realise the amount of all I feel. I'm lying beside you now and you have your arms around me, I hear your heart and feel your warmth and fall asleep listening to you breathe....

Up the ladder: Faith Poem
Down the ladder: Boddhistava

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Weighted score: 4.970199
Overall Rank: 8399
Posted: January 30, 2003 7:40 PM PST; Last modified: January 30, 2003 8:16 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 | 30-Jan-03/8:03 PM | Reply
I quite like "Your face is gently bathed
in the moons flourescent beams,
and shows no indication
of the content of your dreams."
But you lost me with the awkwardness of
"I have never known such beauty
as the body lying on my bed 3 feet away,
who seems to grow even more so
when touched by the light of day."
How about: "I've never known such beauty
as that which rests 3 feet away.
You seem to grow much more so,
untouched by light of day.
[n/a] brokenwing @ 211.28.96.5 > Bill Z Bub | 30-Jan-03/8:06 PM | Reply
Thank you for that comment, i had a hell of a time trying to find a better way of phrasing what i wanted to say. You did it after one reading....Cheers
[6] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 30-Jan-03/8:12 PM | Reply
"invadesmy". problem here.
"gently dance upon you skin." 'your' was probably what you were shooting for. Why three foot? try closing that gap to inches.
Bad knews though...read Eros and Phsyche.
[n/a] brokenwing @ 211.28.96.5 > Shardik | 30-Jan-03/8:14 PM | Reply
Why bad news....
[n/a] brokenwing @ 211.28.96.5 > brokenwing | 30-Jan-03/8:19 PM | Reply
Inches just doesn't sit with me and why do you want me to read those two??
[7] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 31-Jan-03/3:27 AM | Reply
The Devil man said it all really. This is the best one i've read of yours its got a bit of imagery and reads quite well, by no means the finished article, was this written spontaneously? if so a re-write may be difficult without those emotions -7-
[7] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 31-Jan-03/3:31 AM | Reply
look up 'interlunium' on the net its about the moon. there are some beautiful latin phrases for nature check them out her at...catholicarchives.nd.eu for translation of english to latin.

for expample: falling = caducus
beautiful = endymion (who was a beautiful young man loved by the moon).

It may or may not give you a little inspiration.

Please read tintagiles work hes a great poet who paints the scene enchantedly, i guarantee you'll like the one about the bare breasted maiden beneath the moonlight.
[7] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 31-Jan-03/3:33 AM | Reply
that website is actually wrong its ...italatin.com/latin.html
[8] Ranger @ 62.7.132.88 | 31-Jan-03/12:52 PM | Reply
'Fluorescent'

Like the poem, it is one of your best.
[n/a] brokenwing @ 211.28.96.5 > Ranger | 1-Feb-03/3:52 AM | Reply
Thank you....and thanks also for the spelling correction.
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