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The Breathing Dead (Free verse) by Caducus
Its healthy to hate you every now and then, For inside you felt me every now and again. I was your pillar of salt you demolished. It was not your fault I didn't shine enough, Never made you feel mine enough. A pillar of salt you leaned on too much, With every touch more polished. I felt your breath on my back each morning, Pretended to sleep as you left so you'd Kiss me. Now in love's death, my existence is boring, You were only lent to me for a while, Sorrow must follow such a beautiful smile, It's the punishment for loving you too much, The sun isn't meant to be too close too heaven, just incase they touch. Will I see her again in another void ? Will you hold my little finger in bed as you sleep? Life goes on as yours is destroyed, I pray to God your soul to keep. Or are these the thoughts of someone insane ? Let me tell you how it is, It's the thought of never being the same.

Down the ladder: Typical Day

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.9375
Weighted score: 6.7065444
Overall Rank: 499
Posted: November 18, 2002 10:13 AM PST; Last modified: March 17, 2003 5:50 AM PST
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ObsequiousGem

Comments:
[6] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.113.154 | 18-Nov-02/10:22 AM | Reply
stanzas three and four should have there last coma'd statements underneath...it looks lame extending out to the side that way..still a powerful sentiment. take this rabbit and find it a hat. 6.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 19-Nov-02/3:47 AM | Reply
Thanks, your observation was right and i have edited it, and i think it reads better now.
[n/a] hobojo @ 166.94.9.205 | 18-Nov-02/12:33 PM | Reply
What do you mean by a "salt pillow"?
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 > hobojo | 19-Nov-02/1:47 AM | Reply
pillar wa smeant - thanks,

however you got me thinking tears are made of salt , hmmmm

nah your right i'll change it
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 18-Nov-02/12:39 PM | Reply
i think you meant 'pillar' of salt, but it sounds like you cried over her until you had a pillow of salt, which is strangely satisfying to the unrequited side of me.
fix your last line, okay?
[7] daniella @ 200.61.60.174 | 18-Nov-02/6:41 PM | Reply
heartache through and through.
[7] Goose @ 64.12.96.46 | 19-Nov-02/8:38 AM | Reply
This is sad...i love the first two lines
[10] e1ementfire @ 129.137.173.200 | 9-Jan-03/10:15 AM | Reply
beautiful...great emotional expression and the end is honestly breathtaking....probobly what you were going for too
[8] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 17-Mar-03/4:08 PM | Reply
you might have a too, or a to, crossed, but that's trendy, and kool too.
[n/a] Caducus @ 86.137.20.84 | 18-Aug-06/6:35 AM | Reply
how the fuck did this shite turn up on the best list - someone get it down
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