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Longing (Free verse) by deadstar
For 7 days and 7 nights my heart has laid in reprimand, And even I am not convinced myself I fully understand, Through her dark eyes I have been slain, I'll never feel the same again, As Cupid takes me softly by the hand Lust burns within each vein It burns when she is near so tell me why it is I should pretend, I understand she looks at me as being just another friend, But deep inside my lonely heart, I know that if she were to part, The anguish that I feel would never end The pain would not depart And now I feel the time has come to bring my truth out from the dark, But I am dumbstruck by her eyes and sanity I cannot hark, I'll never tell her how I feel, My longing I shall not reveal, Lethargic angst will never disembark, Though I have lost life's zeal.

Up the ladder: untitled2
Down the ladder: Broken Glass

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Weighted score: 4.7615943
Overall Rank: 11583
Posted: November 7, 2002 3:06 AM PST; Last modified: November 28, 2002 4:48 AM PST
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Comments:
[6] cleverdevice @ 212.219.142.161 | 7-Nov-02/6:01 AM | Reply
Nice
[5] Dan garcia-Black @ 63.208.245.172 | 7-Nov-02/8:26 AM | Reply
I see the rhyme scheme but I think it might be better said without rhyme and show greater feeling said without the constaints. I like the positive last stanza after the angst of the first two.
[6] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 28-Nov-02/8:10 AM | Reply
Simple poem of angst, nothing wrong with being simple my girl tells me (thats why shes with me).
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[3] <~> @ 67.84.171.10 | 28-Nov-02/11:57 PM | Reply
this has promise, but you use the words without fully understanding them, and you also lose the rhythm in several places. you have subbed it several times, i see, so i know you are really interested in getting it seen... consider these things...the preciseness of meaning, and the flow. this will be much better with a little work.
[2] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 | 4-Oct-06/5:45 PM | Reply
second line really trips me up in flow; within each vein seems really odd--perhaps every? each makes me think you've only got two, for some reason. awkward and droll, overall.
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