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The generosity of others. (Free verse) by darby pyn Sage scent floors with no room to grow stiffen
my posture holds my bow at attention. dizzy
from the smoke coated prayers with no knees
just needs. I or nothing manicured widows in
white dress and green eyes trade fingers for
palms on sunday. ceremony not service. popularity
from thrift with diamond watches and gold plated
heart's well versed in spin but not sincerity.
twist the contradiction to a noose.
hang the messenger.
Up the ladder:
Rummage Sales
Down the ladder:
Pismo shack
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.142857
Posted: October 19, 2002 11:32 AM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2002 3:20 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.3073616 Overall Rank: 3614 Comments:
I really connect with the way you write. It needs some refining, but you have a natural and distinctive flow. It's 'cerEmony' . I'm impressed by many of your images. The penultimate line is a true beauty. Pause after "posture' . 'hold' to 'holding' a want a line break between 'smoke' & 'coated'.
Sage Scents floors with no room to grow. stiffen my posture, holding my bow at attention. dizzy from the smoke coated prayers with no knees, just needs. I or nothing. nothing. no thing just manicured widows, white dress and green eyes trade fingers for palms on sunday. ceremony not service. popularity from thrift with diamond watches gold plated hearts well versed in spin but not sincerity? twist the contradiction to a noose. hang the messenger
much better. I realy do need an editor:). thank you again.
How much time do you spend editing yourself?
not long maybe an hour. mostly check for spelling errors.
though you couldn't tell lately. it's like my guitar playing there is no structure it's not style it's more a spontaneous cumbustion and I would rather explode than be a conductor and suppress the moment. I have never been diagnosed but I must have add.
You have to play with the words, the way you would play with sounds to create melodies. I'ts a very creative thing, my favorite part of writing. Re-arranging the furniture til I get the room the way I want it. I have my supicions about ADD. It seems an easy excuse for everything. I can't concetrate enough on the routine things, paying bills for example, I 'm always runing aroun at the last minute, or putting my keys int he same place twice. But if I'm doing something I'm meant to do, then I could do it for hours
very true. my rant explanation sounds like nervous laughter
Im sure my ADD comment pertains to that. their is is no excuse. I just need more practice.
This has a voice of its own, which is something very hard to achieve.
Thank you Nicholas.
and don't listen to blanche. never rely on the kindness of strangers.
On 6th read I very much kike this as is. You have a rawness which perhaps should stay raw.
Umm, I meant to say like, not kike, sorry.
I don't belive you. I knew you were a terrible racist, trying to cover it up won't help. It surfaces in the end, and in the most unexpected of places. You are a rascal
Moses
proposes that all those with hooked noses be hencefore loved and liked not to be confused with cut and kiked as gods better half gets confused over which one should be used in any given situation but it could clear up trouble in a disputed nation and yet since even god is on the wane and at the risk of sounding too profane the moor men hear her with brows that glisten the less they are inclined to listen especially since they are regularly kiked with a boot thats swished and spiked
'Hang the messenger' is excellent. Nice twist on the normal phrase.
Obviously just another punk song.
I'am flatered by your most gratus comment...may i set the mood?I'll take of B.holliday" and put on "give it away now" by t.r.hot chili pepp's.I love your verse I will borrow a bit to put light on your voyerism you have my 'perssimon' to enter the realm any time.Dizzy from the icy smoke coated player's,diamond crotches,& gold plated card pay the rent..again.Manicured widowssucking on elated but almost dead "mates".Well dressed in sin he's mothers heart does beat within he's own.He will make more $$than bin ladin,publishing he's circumcision, and yes he's beloved Jocastas jealus son /scor. A tooth like decision.So untwist the noose and chag the messenger like h. kissinger under the misttletoe. your's get's a 10 I gott to run to south beach and get my claws manicured MEEEAAOOOW, for now.
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themes well. I like to expose a situation I dislike and
in that make the point about it's validity. I know it's a
round the bout way but that's just the way I write.
this poem is about my private school years " Baptist temple
christian academy" and all the hypocrisy I saw. but
I will give it a shot.