| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
skeletons (Free verse) by tat2dangel the disease weaves back and forth
through my tired veins
a never-ending
battle
the victor is the one who reigns
all I wanted was a hand to hold
his fingers were too cold
his manner too controlled
my heart dropped and
shattered
self-esteem splattered
made a mess on the bathroom floor
You
turned your head and sighed
ignored the way I cried
out for you but you
were out the door...
Up the ladder:
An Ode to the professor, but not Marianne
Down the ladder:
How much?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7491 Comments:
[n/a]
nentwined @
|
16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
|
Reply
the last lines stumbles for me. maybe if you lead into it after cried with "..." and put a comma after "out for you"? I like "made a mess on the bathroom floor". I'm not too into the disease metaphor at the beginning, and ... "the victor is the one who reigns", as a tautology, sesms a bit out of place.
The last line is incredibly confusing.
SICK! :D
135 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
