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Triangle of the Courtyard Square (Free verse) by OneFingerAnswer I look across the courtyard to see
The way She looks at me,
She with the blonde hair
That plays gently in the moving air,
She that wants what she once had
Before things turned sour and bad.
She looks across the courtyard to see
The guilty look coming from me,
The look of apologies unsaid
And guilt from taking her to bed,
The look that cannot replace the word,
The "Sorry" that may never be heard.
I look across the courtyard to see
The way He ignores the very existance of me,
He that is wanted in more ways than any can show
But is wanted in a way that He must never know,
He that wants to be only with Her
And yet does not know the way things were.
He looks across the courtyard to see
The way she still looks at me,
He that can have all He wants,
All but She that my past love haunts,
He that I want to be with me.
Or is it He that I want to replace, in Her, my memory?
And thus is formed the Triangle of the Courtyard Square,
Three lovers, lovers jilted by their own love, love unfair.
Up the ladder:
Raining in Dream
Down the ladder:
Creativity.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.4545455
Posted: September 23, 2002 9:49 PM PDT; Last modified: September 23, 2002 11:41 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2272725 Overall Rank: 4248 Comments:
All those he shes he she she he hehhehehehshehshehheheheehshhshshsehessh
I'm sorry that you feel that way but I didn't intend for this to be an active poem. It is rather simply a description of how the triangle has formed.
Active? Like it's ticking, or it's exercising?
Active as in showing action. Like "Casey At Bat"
What does that have to do with my original comment? The pronouns way this thing down like an anchor.
You called it boring. I was simply apologizing for that. The pronouns how ever are the heart of the poem. They are the three people.
It doesn't work. S4 L5 is muddled.
Yes, now that that line is pointed out I see it. I'll fix that.
Thank you. Does it work better for you now?
Yes, but I long for the He's, She's and Me's to be more seperate. Like a triangle. Each coming from his own direction. I think S2 is quite fine. If you can keep them seperate somehow. Bring them together at the end. Maybe write 3 stanzas were you address them and their needs individually. This is more of a pentagram then a triangle.
I'll think about it. I won't be doing it tonight though. Thank you for advice that extends beyond "It's boring."
This is certainly a tangle beyond my limited comprehension. Somehow the pronouns evoke this confusion, but I agree that it could be a bit clearer. Nonetheless, I like this, a slice of (thankfully for me) someone else's.
I tire of pain and misery so I read pieces too fast. I missed the (he) and therefore missed the triangle. But a fascinating view!8
I suggest a threesome. Problem solved. No more curses. But the poem, oh yes, the poem. You manage to keep the whole he she, we, see, me, I bit intact and relatively clear, but I just do not feel the desire for the boy across the way or the remorse for the girl. This makes me think you really do not care and that transcends on the reader.
Reply X
Nice play on words/images with the sqaure and triangle
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The three lovers:
Me - The gay man who once believed himself to be bisexual and thus dated the girl
The girl - An innocent girl who made the mistake of falling in love with a coward who can't give her the closure she needs (that coward being me)
The guy - a third party who seems attracted to the girl and has also caught my eye
The problem: I'm not sure if I'd feel better served by him giving her a distraction from me or by having him to myself. The second isn't really a possibility but the heart doesn't care much for practicality.