| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
wall flower (Free verse) by Freethinker1602 My dancing card isn't all full
I have one more partner that wants to waltz
Another name to add to the card
the name death has yet to be written
So seductive, entrancing, hypnotic
Always beckoning and whispering to my ear
Give me your last dance
There aren't many names on that dance card
it reads my history
Every name has a story
Each dance ends with bitterness and pain
So seductive, entrancing, hypnotic
Always beckoning, and whispering to my ear
Give me your last dance
This party has its ups and downs
Even during good times, the downs still haunt
I want to stop dancing, maybe with the end of the last dance
The grief will end
So seductive, entrancing, hypnotic
Always beckoning, and whispering to my ear
Give me your last dance
I have weathered the ups and downs,
I have bounced, rocked, never quit
My last dance partner always in wait but not quiet
He won't take no for an answer, and I don't want to say no
Up the ladder:
Gravity
Down the ladder:
Unreal Friendship
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.3333333
Posted: February 12, 2013 3:41 PM PST; Last modified: February 12, 2013 3:41 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.8013287 Overall Rank: 11147 Comments:
[4]
nentwined @ 98.248.146.104
|
11-Mar-13/1:41 AM
|
Reply
Cute, in that it dances around the subject...but it does so so repetitiously! So repetitiously. As if it were repeating itself, verse after verse, saying the same thing. This needs to say something else, too, or instead. Try some specifics. Make us care about this character, in particular (or make the dance itself more interesting, but even then, it should be more personal).
Ahh... this is ripe for greatness. The theme resonates, yet you didn't exectute it in the best manner.
Speak of the dances that come BEFORE your yearning for the last. Speak of that which inspired you to bother dancing in the first place... And PLEASE let it not be teenaged weariness for fuck sakes. ;/ List them as they come and have them evolve to an acceptance of death. We all grow weary, and all of us shall dance the last dance with sweet lady death, but the life that leads to that is what defines ones' contentedness with death and the last dance. Bring in the details! IMAGINE! 5. 177 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
