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The Other (Free verse) by Caducus
I was your bed tortoise from every dreaded kiss. I only felt your warmth, when inside you born from Smirnoff. My flesh was like a ferry roll on roll off. You would say you loved me crowning me a King of pedestals and guilt. You were not her I was not me I was never there The other woman was. When it was all over your exit was impressive. The landing light vigil and mantelpiece memories facing away from sight, like the way I slept. Eight months have passed. Your hair is short now you even wear low skirts. I feel closer to you at arms length for I am not yours you were never mine the other woman was. Is.

Up the ladder: Game Play
Down the ladder: Playing The Vibes

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4126
Posted: November 8, 2005 2:19 AM PST; Last modified: November 8, 2005 6:56 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 8-Nov-05/6:02 AM | Reply
I think you should drop "on fridays" to help the rhythm of the poem flow better.
Feels like the melancholy you see in a lot of those indie films.
Bed tortoise: Great image.
You can really tell the wording was well thought out.
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.212.241.153 > ALChemy | 8-Nov-05/6:41 AM | Reply
I think you're right about dropping fridays i just stood up with my barotone voice and it sounded better.

Actually I read it with my best nicholas cage voice
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 8-Nov-05/11:30 AM | Reply
The last verse is especially nice. Low skirt, at arms length, closer now.

The tortise image is hard to imagine, but the rest of Verse 1 makes the scene clear.

Verse 3 seems contorted as if Line 4 should be Line 2.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > Dovina | 8-Nov-05/12:16 PM | Reply
What, you've never played Mr Turtle come out of your shell?
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > ALChemy | 8-Nov-05/12:19 PM | Reply
No, I've always remained sheltered, shelled perhaps.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > Dovina | 8-Nov-05/1:50 PM | Reply
Silly, only boys have a Mr Turtle.
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > ALChemy | 8-Nov-05/2:34 PM | Reply
My bad - turtle envy?
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