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A Letter Home (Sestina) by Fear of Garbage
The geography of this place is entirely different from Gaza. It is more like a handgun in the arms of a nurse, Or a moon the faint color of crimson. It throws a pale light Bubbling out of my spine Like water from the hot Atlantic, sulphorous and cruel. This is a place of white bone and cruelty. A slick heat, wetter than Gaza With matching weapons of metal growing from my nurse. She treats me like old plaster, cracks my spine And wades in inches of rotten crimson. If there is any sort of light, It is the stony, green light Of a wet heart. When I was cruel I kicked you down the stairs 'til you were crimson, Made you fly right off to Gaza, Without so much as a shivering spine. I gave no feline thought to nursing. A body full of cavities cannot nurse, Can only get a slithering dark out of light. I broke three inches of your spine With a toe the size of a tusk, hooked like a cruel Bird. They stuffed you in a crate, packed you off to Gaza, Where you saved your breath until the air was crimson. Your organs are quite crimson. They were stuffed by that gaunt, green-skinned nurse With a kind quivering jelly only available in verdant Gaza. They are shaking cables of light, Channels through the spine That take you, and mouth you, like a mother of cruelty. They don't know the pith of my cruelty Or the pulpy mess of crimson I dropped on your steps. The gray spine Of a damp book or the watery dress of a nurse. Your arms look the same on the stairs in the light; But they are cast in iron, coming madly back from Gaza. In the light, they are two dead spines. The crimson water-mark, the cruel Nurse who cut the cable, running back from Gaza.

Up the ladder: Relativity
Down the ladder: Edd

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Weighted score: 4.970199
Overall Rank: 8426
Posted: October 31, 2004 4:48 PM PST; Last modified: October 31, 2004 4:48 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] Sasha @ 69.138.240.116 | 2-Nov-04/9:45 AM | Reply
The repeating words are straining you
[n/a] Fear of Garbage @ 67.39.14.101 > Sasha | 2-Nov-04/11:08 AM | Reply
do you even know what a sestina is? there's lots of repitition...
[7] Sasha @ 69.138.240.116 > Fear of Garbage | 2-Nov-04/11:17 AM | Reply
I know full well what a sestina is. It is the form with six repeating words that end lines in a pre-set pattern, familiar to any poet who has been in a workshop. However, the form is straining and working against the poem here. Many times the words, especially the word "nurse," are crying to be replaced with a more apt word. The only thing preventing that is that you have shoehorned the entire poem into a form ill suited to the poem's needs.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.153.196.50 > Sasha | 2-Nov-04/12:17 PM | Reply
Poemes don't have needs you fool; they have hobbies/interests.
[7] Sasha @ 69.138.240.116 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 2-Nov-04/2:10 PM | Reply
But you forgot the homework they must do. They have a need for math and reading too. Let's not forget the mandatory walk you need to take them on, you need to lock them up at night or else they might escape and take them on more walks to keep in shape! They've needs! All verse has needs we can't forget. They've needs the same as a domestic pet. If you have read this far (this part is sweet) I hope you noticed the iambic beat. If you cant see the rhymes yet then, (you fool!) I've earned a blowjob on my nine inch tool!
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