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Mm, Shoes... ? (Free verse) by fevriere
I creep in the shop, pigeon-toed, eyes bird-narrow and voided like black beads, you see, and my hand floats onto the halfmoon, floats like powdered dust. There's nothing much to look at; nothing much and riches only glitter once in fall.. If at all. Sadly, drifting homewardly I see I am freckled and pied, more cushion-curved than gypsy chic So I thieve the colours of the night-butterfly, the insipid taste of eye-candy. I am raw sugarcane for the eyes. I am a day-moth, who floats for a moment in the air, like the eye-shadow motes palely-bright that glisten, that sink slowly, that are barely air-resisting, insubstantial in flight.

Up the ladder: Last Night
Down the ladder: A Second Chance

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7831
Posted: July 7, 2004 10:26 AM PDT; Last modified: July 9, 2004 2:17 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] richa @ 81.178.242.35 | 8-Jul-04/4:41 AM | Reply
A bit heavy in adjectives especially the opening line.
Could do with a bit more happening with them e.g my pidgeon toes creep..., my bird-narrow eyes watch... etc.

From line four onwards this is pretty good.
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 | 8-Jul-04/9:04 AM | Reply
INSIPID Full of the pale rousing breaths of morning.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.6 > deleted user | 9-Jul-04/2:09 PM | Reply
O,
bugger off.
[7] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 | 8-Jul-04/10:28 AM | Reply
"I am raw sugarcane for the eyes," is a great line. If only the others were. Line 2 is a question mark.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.6 > Dovina | 9-Jul-04/2:10 PM | Reply
Yes, I suppose so.
[5] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 80.42.73.98 | 9-Jul-04/4:07 PM | Reply
The title promises shoes, but the poem only disappoints. To me, there is nothing more erotic than a cardboard box full of sweaty trainers.
[7] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 9-Jul-04/4:13 PM | Reply
Not much better on rewrite. What really are you trying to say?
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