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Let Me Swing (Free verse) by caitydee
“Let’s go out” I tell you Somewhere outside It’s too hot I need to put my feet in the grass The sweat rolled down your back But I didn’t care and curled up with you on the mat The one with holes at which you laughed But still enjoyed I closed my eyes and exhaled out all the frustration and stress of our adult lives The swing of the bat made you happy Took you back to days of the past I smiled at you as you yelled at the game So content, so calm Our bodies fit that day We fit Just lying on that hill Your warmth held me You seeped into me Did the sun blind me that day? Cloud my eyes from reality Create feelings you never felt for me? Oh let me swing! You thought I would look silly among the kids We were suppose to go back that night Do you remember? But it rained-so we said ‘next time’ Are you still waiting? Seconds sped and minutes rushed Our time went by too fast At the park

Up the ladder: Coffined
Down the ladder: Large Man on peach sandel

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Weighted score: 5.2241178
Overall Rank: 4287
Posted: May 20, 2004 10:36 PM PDT; Last modified: May 20, 2004 10:36 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] caitydee @ 64.12.116.70 | 20-May-04/10:36 PM | Reply
This is a work in progress-but I wanted some feedback, thanks!
[6] Signature @ 4.46.141.40 | 21-May-04/2:42 AM | Reply
Are you still together? Or is that an appropriate question? I would cahnge "Our bodies fit that day--We fit", maybe, " Our bodies, we fit on that day. Other than that its cool.
[n/a] caitydee @ 64.12.116.146 > Signature | 21-May-04/8:28 AM | Reply
No, we aren't still together. I was trying to say that our bodies fit as we lay in the grass, but in addition, I felt that "we" fit as a couple, but maybe there is a better way to express that. Thanks for the suggestion!
[6] Signature @ 4.46.141.40 > caitydee | 22-May-04/2:41 PM | Reply
No prob.
[8] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 | 21-May-04/1:23 PM | Reply
not too bad.
[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.162.105 | 19-Jun-04/12:15 AM | Reply
Certain stanzas were pretty good, but some of the other stuff such as:

"Did the sun blind me that day?
Cloud my eyes from reality
Create feelings you never felt for me?"

AND

"Oh let me swing!
You thought I would look silly among the kids
We were suppose to go back that night
Do you remember?
But it rained-so we said ‘next time’"


Really sounded childish or "teenaged". The rest could be revised into a more fluid and enjoyable piece. As for how that could be done? I leave you to figure that out for yourself-- it's better that way, me thinks.

Blessed with seven.
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