I was walking down the street one day, when someone asked me if I would like to spare some change, be generous, and give. As I was quite loaded, (because I'd just been paid). I gave him roughly 50 pence, in the hope he'd go away. He stuck a sticker on my nice, clean, shirt, which wasn't very funny, "Oi you turd", I said dismayed Give me back my money!!! "Come on down to our fine Church, you'll get your money there" "We're a strange Religious Cult, called Lovers of Facial Hair" Straight away, I told him "no" but he talked me into it. When he said that I would get, Loadsa free joss sticks. I turned up at the spooky church, and pulled up one of the chairs Lots of bearded weirdos chanted, "we love facial hair" Although they all seemed fairly pleasant, I noticed that no joss sticks were present. As I stood, and tried to leave a bearded weirdo spotted me. "Oi" he said "you have no beard" "You've shaved all your hair off" "Sorry" said me "I hated it" "It made me look like a muff" I sensed the atmosphere fill with shock, My future looked quite bleak. There religion, I had mocked, Their leader stood to speak. "You are bad" he said to me "You killed some facial hair, the only way that you can pay Is to sit in the magic chair. The magical chair was in a room adorned with facial hair, It didn't look like the look of it, I said "You won't get me in there!" They pushed me in and shut the door I head them turning locks, I cursed them, cursed them one and all "You hairy weirdo cocks!" The room was small and lonely, No TV, No Table, No Shelf The only way I could stay sane, Was by playing "with myself". I thought I was gonna die in there I would have there's no doubt But Three days later they opened the door, And I came swimming out. The magical chair was sitting there Covered in baby batter They seemed vexed, which wasn't good, I'd hoped it wouldn't matter The leader man looked mystified, Then flew into a rage, They gagged me then they chained me up And put me in a cage. They debated how to "deal with me" Argued about "What was to be done" "Skin him", "Boil him" "Chop him up" Were among the "better" ones They "proposed" and then they "seconded" They "voted" and they "discussed" They filled out forms, consulted books did everything bar rush. When they'd finally decided, They got me out the cage. The leader was gonnna stake me, But stopped to stare and gaze, "My God, he's grown some facial hair," "He is one us, it's true" Luckily, I'm still alive, But learn from me - If were you Never give to charity, (not even 50p) Never accept an offer, from a weirdo in the street, Never go to cults or sects Oh never be seen there, And Never bash your bishop, In the magical hairy chair.