ecargo18 Jan 2007

I think you're too focused on Writing a Poeme instead of just honestly and simply writing. That's how pimple poems erupt. Cut it down. Give details. Name names. Point fingers--artfully. Even just simplifying this would give it more impact:

If she thinks
My love is based on lies
She'll leave.
My dreams will melt away.

Not great, but better, I think. What do you know about her? What should we know? Sometimes just turning the focus away from you helps. Keep going!