Replying to a comment on:

Tattered (Lyric) by VintageLove08

My face is bloody and dirty Cut by paper tears Trampled on by many feet Over many years Smiles held by safety pins Laughter an illusion Joy is just a three-letter word Happiness an intrusion Agony is my companion Malaise is his friend Misery is their advocate My heart will never mend...

Sunny 21-May-06/5:53 PM
This poem obviously carries much emotion with it...which you can do a lot with. I think you managed to pinpoint a lot of emotion dead-on, if you will, but there were a few things I wanted to point out to you:

-L2: "paper cuts"??
-L5: Nice
-L10: I didn't understand how malaise could be a friend??
-Last line: I thought you could end with more emotion, more grasp on the heart of your theme, in my personal opinion.

~Sunny




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2025 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001