Ranger7 Mar 2006

You're looking for an IKEA flat-packed, six-packed, self-assemble insta-chap. Sadly they went off the production line shortly after market research revealed that they didn't actually exist. Scientific theory now suggests that you go for a slightly more tricky option and grow one. You don't have to grow him from scratch, but even the finest specimen requires a little personal cultivation. It might not be quick and convenient, but I'm sure it'll be more rewarding in the long run.
We're not all totally useless though, honest.