Replying to a comment on:

End of Me (Free verse) by sonawrote

What happened to us? I use to want nothing more than to share time with you spend the night ,be held in your arms I use to love your smile and your quirky laugh I use to love your calm nature and sense of family I use to see you as strong and protective gentle and sweet,open and generous I use to love you with all I had inside me and wish you understood how deep it was I use to love how you looked in my eyes and made me feel innocent and beautiful I use to love leaving you love notes to remind you when I wasn’t there for the next morning but time went on and I changed I became frustrated at your lack of goals I became tormented that my love was too deep or not deep enough I became hurt that you didn’t want to commit I became pained that you did not understand what you meant to me, and never would I ached in sorrow that “US” would never be what I spent all these years dreaming of so I stopped trying, and now, here you were ready to wed and give my dreams the reality I’d longed for and I was so desperate, not to give up all those years I made you my dream come true, my everything and we went on to create a family, and home but old hurt became bitterness, and I feel alone You stopped wanting my happiness and became self absorbed and selfish, unfeeling and cold it’s been 6 years and I am so hollow and lonely tears are like a constant river deep in my heart and I can’t stop it from flowing We haven’t shared covers in over a year and you just seem happy to have them all to yourself We share a beautiful child and it pains me he never sees the love, that we once shared I’ve lost my passion, and my will to try anymore You never consider my feelings or how your actions impact them, and my ability to go on pretending that it’ll get better....someday when you want to share a bed with me when I might mean that much to you and stop doing drugs, and using them as though they’re your salvation from the misery of being with me and you’ll take care of yourself and care how you look for me like you did when we were young and you’ll want to be romantic and passionate, just to see me smile like I haven’t done, for so long I forget what it’s like when it’s not just a mask to disguise the river still flowing, deep in my heart that’s destroying me and the person I once use to be when we first met.

LilMsLadyPoet 31-Jul-05/8:03 AM
I am going to take the time, because I really like this one, so full of truths, and so naked you bore yourself.
I use to> I used to (corrected), the sparse use of commas needs fixing. It needs many commas, (end of line 2)and periods at the ends of sentences. "be held in your arms(.)" 'your quirky laugh'(.) or (;)
'love, that we once shared'> take out the comma.

'and wish you understood how deep it was'> and wished you understood...and wish you could have understood (?)...needs a change here.
The use of 'became' became monotonous, consider mixing in some other words in place of 'became'. ("I used to" did not get on my nerves with its repeated use, but maybe you could use other words in some places of its use, as well.> "I once" or "Once, I" "In time's past")
"and now, here you were"> now says now, so should be "and now, here you are", or change, to> "and then, there you were"

I was so desperate,
not to give up all those years > I was so desperate to not give up all those years. (take out the comma.)

became bitterness, and I feel alone> became/felt or becomes/ feel.
Drug became his mistress...get rid of "her" or him, or you will be the next casualty. (And maybe losing you will be the push he needs to get the help he needs, and Maybe, somewhere down the road, he will find his way back to himself...and you. Maybe then you won't want to devote the time to him, maybe you will. Take care of you...if you don't, who will? And if not for yourself, then for your child.)I gave you an 8 for content.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001