This is simply awful. Can I make a recommendation? Please visit these poetry links:
http://www.favoritepoem.org/poems/index.
html
http://www.slate.com/id/2114499/
http://www.poemranker.com/index.jsp
And read until your eyeballs rupture. That's the only way your going to get close to writing a poem worth criticising. I'm not trying to be hard on you, by the way; that's seriously what everybody who wants to write presentable poetry has to do, and it shows in this poem that you haven't done it. Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-zodiac