Replying to a comment on:

the nature of our stillborn (Free verse) by Crakyamuni

I shudder now at the sounds of the possibilities that live to surround and ultimately limit me Temporality versus periphery, or simply just the enemy My intentions were never to love or be clever in the face of such an instance it was love that was happily severed Don't smile and laugh, it's distance I loved you so much I could never, I can never fucking admit this these crimes and stabbings so poingant, we could hold them and call it resistance

Shuushin 4-Jan-05/8:31 AM
Well. Very nice, except I could do without the refrain - and this line:

"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.

btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.

I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.




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