I remember when we met My midget wife and I I was looking for a pet Something exotic Exotic and dangerous, to keep family from visiting A bad tempered python maybe Or at least a grumpy chinchilla And there she was Chained beneath the pet store counter I couldn’t see all of her The counter had me at a disadvantage I could clearly see she had only one arm And that it was somewhat stunted It was love at first sight This soon turned to lust when I looked closer and noticed she was legless ‘How much for the midget?' I asked the proprietor. And as I did she looked at me from where she was lapping water from her tin bowl And in her eyes a sadness Without even looking up from the tattered Sunday Sport he was reading he said: ‘You can have it but if you want the bedding and bowl I want £10’ And that was that I no longer keep her tethered but the collar remains Not for any nostalgic reasons but more to remind her who is Boss And we have been happy ever since And I haven’t seen my family in years