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Roundabout (Free verse) by nentwined mad clown carnival ride
dissonance chants through a pipe organ
and we
hear
time uncounted
that same note hit
that same note hit
and we smell
the burning of our consciousness
dribbling into a hole that leads
nowhere.
a sense of impending crash
as the last of us falls through
and
silence hits us like a wall
the puddle starts to reform
disoriented
centering again in itself
when we realise the music came back
mad clown
carnival ride
screaming
unintelligible
heard but not felt
warming our
body and pushing the mind into
a sweet novocaine daze
time uncounted
that same dull scream
that same dull scream
dissonance chants through a
pipe organ
and we smell the burning of our consciousnness
dribbling into
a hole that leads everywhere.
Up the ladder:
Rumors
Down the ladder:
The Rift
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.9365077
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:19 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:19 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.9365077 Overall Rank: 181 Comments:
[7]
-=SeTTle=- @ 63.214.96.187
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16-Jul-02/10:14 PM
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Reply
Does your log coordinate IPs/traceroute info with ranking information?
No capitalization, no sentence structure...so why use periods?! I would drop them. Use puncutaion throughout, or don't use it at all...
Dissonance? as in:> the opposite of harmony, discord, disagreement, conflict, difference, or difference of opinion? (Is that the word you intended to use?...Just wondering.) The only glaring change I would make would be to put "warming our body" together in one line, then "and pushing the mind into" in the next line.(maybe even drop the "and") (As it is, seems like a typo, and put together it has more 'punch'.) here> "warming our body and pushing the mind into" ...and shouldn't it be bodies, since you are talking about a group...but maybe not perhaps, if you are collectively calling the group a body. Interesting poem...I like it, gave you a fairly high score for it, based on its content and imagery,though it has a few flaws. 545 view(s)
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