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My love for another. (Free verse) by cleverdevice
You were my dawn that cold winters day, Bright and vivid with life far deep hidden. And midday in summer, listless in hay, Holding hands, stroking hair, eager to listen, To a lark, a crickett, a rippling brook, Watching clouds drift, lazy and peaceful. And all the time it was to you I looked For my passion, my strength, and like a fool I expected it to last forever and more, Ad infinitum, endless for eternity. And like waves beating, crashing on the shore I couldn't break in, was dragged back to sea. And there I shall stay, sunken and hidden. Crushed like the shells of which nature has ridden.

Down the ladder: A Christmas Far From

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.8333335
Weighted score: 4.9551764
Overall Rank: 8698
Posted: October 25, 2002 2:29 AM PDT; Last modified: November 19, 2002 12:45 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 25-Oct-02/4:28 AM | Reply
You deliver the rhymes pretty well. 'Babbling brook' is a bit cliched. But the feelings of loss and regret and sweetly drawn.
[8] Nicholas Jones @ 137.44.1.200 | 25-Oct-02/7:06 AM | Reply
If I was wearing by pedant's hat, I'd say this wasn't a sonnet because it's not always iambic. But I'm feeling quite laidback today (although I hate my landlord, but that's a different matter). I like the nature imagery which is subverted by a sense of darkness.
[5] Tintagiles @ 198.164.242.171 | 25-Oct-02/8:32 AM | Reply
To be pedantic, 'peaceful' and 'fool' don't really rhyme. But then maybe you have a strange accent.
[6] deleted user @ 24.150.6.158 | 26-Oct-02/6:00 PM | Reply
lots of hurting soals on this site, cheer up!!
[n/a] Frass @ 66.160.116.193 > deleted user | 15-Nov-02/1:03 PM | Reply
...or soles, or shoals.
[8] Nicholas Jones @ 137.44.1.200 | 15-Nov-02/4:09 AM | Reply
This isn't a sonnet. It ain't iambic. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not a sonnet. Call it something else.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.237 | 15-Nov-02/6:05 AM | Reply
Great quality of content. If you can, tweak this to Nicholas' suggestions. I'd like to learn how to do this and this could be a good example. thanks
[5] <~> @ 68.63.97.120 | 15-Nov-02/3:24 PM | Reply
this is lovely, cleverdevice.
[n/a] cleverdevice @ 212.219.142.161 > <~> | 18-Nov-02/2:48 AM | Reply
thank you.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46 | 18-Nov-02/7:37 AM | Reply
Yes, most excellent I think. With or without perfection.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.106 | 18-Nov-02/3:01 PM | Reply
L-7 Replace "who" with a comma?
[8] Caducus @ 62.105.88.10 | 19-Nov-02/3:42 AM | Reply
Just like I was there, you shouls be proud of this one.
[9] T'ien @ 212.219.142.161 | 26-Nov-02/7:35 AM | Reply
very nice young timothy
[9] T'ien @ 212.219.142.161 > T'ien | 26-Nov-02/7:37 AM | Reply
o yer -9-
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