poemranker ::My love for another. by cleverdevice

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Free verse № 22349

My love for another.

Member since 2002 · Posted 25 Oct 2002 · Edited 19 Nov 2002 · 14 comments

You were my dawn that cold winters day, Bright and vivid with life far deep hidden. And midday in summer, listless in hay, Holding hands, stroking hair, eager to listen, To a lark, a crickett, a rippling brook, Watching clouds drift, lazy and peaceful. And all the time it was to you I looked For my passion, my strength, and like a fool I expected it to last forever and more, Ad infinitum, endless for eternity. And like waves beating, crashing on the shore I couldn't break in, was dragged back to sea. And there I shall stay, sunken and hidden. Crushed like the shells of which nature has ridden.

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mean 4.83 weighted 4.96 rank 8683 views 210 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

14 comments

[7] Christof 25-Oct-02/4:28 AM Reply
You deliver the rhymes pretty well. 'Babbling brook' is a bit cliched. But the feelings of loss and regret and sweetly drawn.
[8] Nicholas Jones 25-Oct-02/7:06 AM Reply
If I was wearing by pedant's hat, I'd say this wasn't a sonnet because it's not always iambic. But I'm feeling quite laidback today (although I hate my landlord, but that's a different matter). I like the nature imagery which is subverted by a sense of darkness.
[5] Tintagiles 25-Oct-02/8:32 AM Reply
To be pedantic, 'peaceful' and 'fool' don't really rhyme. But then maybe you have a strange accent.
[6] deleted user 26-Oct-02/6:00 PM Reply
lots of hurting soals on this site, cheer up!!
[n/a] Frass › deleted user 15-Nov-02/1:03 PM Reply
...or soles, or shoals.
[8] Nicholas Jones 15-Nov-02/4:09 AM Reply
This isn't a sonnet. It ain't iambic. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not a sonnet. Call it something else.
[10] INTRANSIT 15-Nov-02/6:05 AM Reply
Great quality of content. If you can, tweak this to Nicholas' suggestions. I'd like to learn how to do this and this could be a good example. thanks
[5] <~> 15-Nov-02/3:24 PM Reply
this is lovely, cleverdevice.
[n/a] cleverdevice › <~> 18-Nov-02/2:48 AM Reply
thank you.
[10] INTRANSIT 18-Nov-02/7:37 AM Reply
Yes, most excellent I think. With or without perfection.
[10] INTRANSIT 18-Nov-02/3:01 PM Reply
L-7 Replace "who" with a comma?
[8] Caducus 19-Nov-02/3:42 AM Reply
Just like I was there, you shouls be proud of this one.
[9] T'ien 26-Nov-02/7:35 AM Reply
very nice young timothy
[9] T'ien › T'ien 26-Nov-02/7:37 AM Reply
o yer -9-