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Poem for Mahmuth (Free verse) by Dental Panic
Biggie returned to Burundi she saw his broad back disappear between the Alcea Roses, opened sadder wiser beers, drank locked behind playgrounds and fly curtains to nothing really to Burundi at night she thought she saw a U.F.O., a bright red star calmly floating over the house, hovering above the balcony and fifteen minutes later, it was gone. Made inquiries, learned: it was a fire balloon, from Essen, launched to measure high altitude winds. No aliens here – just hazy earthlings, shooting cigarette butts into the dark bushes.

Up the ladder: Happy Birthday

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.333333
Weighted score: 5.516546
Overall Rank: 2645
Posted: November 1, 2006 8:28 AM PST; Last modified: November 2, 2006 2:33 PM PST
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 12.72.37.83 | 1-Nov-06/10:30 AM | Reply
If male, you show inordinate female understanding in the first stanza. "sadder wiser beers, drank locked behind playgrounds" says a lot. Stanza 2 blows it mostly, first with the nondescript salutation to Burundi, then the periods in UFO. And how is that related to the excellent start?
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.85.206.227 > Dovina | 2-Nov-06/2:19 PM | Reply
Thanks for the comment. Nondescript, that's reflecting the mood pretty accurate, I guess.
[7] howl @ 81.178.72.28 | 1-Nov-06/11:19 AM | Reply
sadder wiser beers is urgh. The final stanza's enjambment is off. Why not just: It was a fire balloon from Essen/launched to measure high altitude winds. No aliens here/just hazy earthlings, shooting/into the dark bushes.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.85.206.227 > howl | 2-Nov-06/2:25 PM | Reply
Sadder wiser urgh? Yeah, maybe. I forced it in there, to make sure she wasn't happy. Still, it comes close to what I noticed there. I never make things up.
I'll see about the enjambment. Thanks for the comment.
[7] half.italian @ 70.36.242.152 | 1-Nov-06/10:32 PM | Reply
Reminds me of Hunter Thompson for some reason. Throw in some mention of ether and you'll be the next gonzo journallist.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.85.206.227 > half.italian | 2-Nov-06/2:28 PM | Reply
'like a patient etherized upon a table', how does that work for you?
[10] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.6 | 3-Nov-06/6:36 AM | Reply
Shit. I liked the sadder wiser beers. Fuck. Has everyone out-read me here, too? Love the sounds. If it matters 10.
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