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oh how far are we from wilderness (Free verse) by tianyi
1 snake in the pool think of its tasseled back anemones rockpool jelly dripping caves seahorses strewn on the sand a man collects them sack cloth hunching along 2 oh how far are we from wilderness pressure pads on my face hour on hour what is this life that we live? not lasers and space, but pressurepads drag my forehead, oh how. i reach out to the past, but it's just laughable oh my, we are the survivors. but how i stretch for coolness on my pillow, warm it with my brow.

Up the ladder: A REVISION
Down the ladder: Stay With Me

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5942
Posted: September 14, 2005 4:33 PM PDT; Last modified: September 14, 2005 7:26 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] srh @ 58.178.23.218 | 15-Sep-05/2:58 PM | Reply
This is great. Really draw out a lovely slow rhythm in the second part. Nice, subtle, beautiful.
[n/a] tianyi @ 86.130.65.59 > srh | 15-Sep-05/4:51 PM | Reply
Wow, thankyou very much!
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.179.179 | 16-Sep-05/2:35 AM | Reply
Great. And you've been reading Cannery Row, too. Extra points.
[n/a] tianyi @ 86.130.65.59 > zodiac | 16-Sep-05/4:18 AM | Reply
Cannery Row? *Googles*
"Novel by John Steinbeck, published in 1945. Like most of Steinbeck's postwar work, Cannery Row is sentimental in tone while retaining the author's characteristic social criticism. Peopled by stereotypical good-natured bums and warm-hearted prostitutes living on the fringes of Monterey, Calif., the picaresque novel celebrates lowlifes who are poor but happy."

I've never heard of it, but I'll take the extra points!
[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 | 16-Sep-05/7:41 AM | Reply
I like everything except all the "Ohs". Makes you sound like Dorothy in Oz.
[n/a] tianyi @ 86.130.65.59 > ALChemy | 16-Sep-05/10:07 AM | Reply
Hahaha, that's great. Hehe. You just spoiled my own poem for me! The thing is, I probably say 'oh' a lot in real life too. And I'm a guy. You've got me questioning my sexuality.
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