poemranker ::a journey by the_poetess

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 123201

a journey

Member since 2005 · Posted 8 Apr 2005 · 2 comments

The old moutain spits out a grey hiss of smoke, you see it,as you look up at the sun, wiping beads of sweat from your brow. The earth under your feet is brown, hot and cracked. Skin peels from your back and you lips are chapped. You have plenty of water in the canteen in your backpack, but you have forgotten how to drink. Years ago you knew someone, under a palm tree and she had a cup of coconut milk for you drink and some sweet mango fruit for your journey. But all that is gone now, it died with your rich lotus dreams. As you stumble under your load, of old fears and wishes, you fall. You are plenty strong enough to stand up again, but you have forgotten how to move.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 4.33 weighted 4.92 rank 9518 views 200 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

2 comments

[6] Dovina 9-Apr-05/10:49 AM Reply
The first five lines are good, but then it wanders in bad grammar: (you lips are chapped) and (milk for you drink) The last line is only vaguely supported.
[n/a] Prince of Void › Dovina 14-Apr-05/1:42 PM Reply
it's a good poem