poemranker ::Camping by jessicazee

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 116738

Camping

Member since 2002 · Posted 17 Dec 2004 · 3 comments

First a berry stain on your pine needled sole and you just say, "look at the fire I made." It's a quick death, a campfired moth. We can't rescue him, the moth and the fire already tell their tale. Ash so light, wings disappear flying, dying again toward the canopy. "The crescent moon is an illusion,” you say, “The meteors were last night; you were so wrong.” Tomorrow our tent will be wet. Why did we pay for firewood? Our site has some shade, mulberry trees whispering "please shake us we need to let things go."

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 4.50 weighted 4.98 rank 8293 views 219 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

3 comments

[9] Dovina 18-Dec-04/10:44 AM Reply
You have posted this several times, each as a new poem. It might be better to post it as a revision of the same poem each time. Then the former comments are still there, but we can tell from the dates that they refer to an older version. It's still a good poem.
[n/a] jessicazee › Dovina 19-Dec-04/11:31 PM Reply
Thanks. I got a little trigger-happy the last few days with this one. I appreciate your comment.
[n/a] richa 20-Dec-04/2:40 AM Reply
There seems no obvious reason for such short couplets here. The poem would benefit from having more solid chunks. Also 'already tell their tale' and other parts seem far too portentious. That is to say you are making the moth's death more significant than it is.