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Camping (Free verse) by jessicazee
First a berry stain on your pine needled sole and you just say, "look at the fire I made." It's a quick death, a campfired moth. We can't rescue him, the moth and the fire already tell their tale. Ash so light, wings disappear flying, dying again toward the canopy. "The crescent moon is an illusion,” you say, “The meteors were last night; you were so wrong.” Tomorrow our tent will be wet. Why did we pay for firewood? Our site has some shade, mulberry trees whispering "please shake us we need to let things go."

Up the ladder: Jasmime
Down the ladder: Going Camping

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.976287
Overall Rank: 8303
Posted: December 17, 2004 11:52 PM PST; Last modified: December 17, 2004 11:52 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.6.101 | 18-Dec-04/10:44 AM | Reply
You have posted this several times, each as a new poem. It might be better to post it as a revision of the same poem each time. Then the former comments are still there, but we can tell from the dates that they refer to an older version. It's still a good poem.
[n/a] jessicazee @ 152.163.101.5 > Dovina | 19-Dec-04/11:31 PM | Reply
Thanks. I got a little trigger-happy the last few days with this one. I appreciate your comment.
[n/a] richa @ 81.178.233.69 | 20-Dec-04/2:40 AM | Reply
There seems no obvious reason for such short couplets here. The poem would benefit from having more solid chunks. Also 'already tell their tale' and other parts seem far too portentious. That is to say you are making the moth's death more significant than it is.
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