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Smoking Skies (Free verse) by Enchantres
The smoking skies above, they whisper something. Giving the trees something to breath. The river who is close to me, is so cold. I reach it gently with the palm of my hand. And suddenly I see your reflection, slowly fading away. So purely that I almost can't take it. My heart is beating, fast. As I fall into your fading reflection. Water is surrounding me, in it's most purest form. Taking me away from, me I can't breath, but I do not mind. Am I dead already? I don't know. We are one now, finally together, after such a lonely time, being all alone. Where will we go? Heaven? Does it matter? I say no I can tell, you feel the same Because the smoking skies above us, stopped whispering.

Up the ladder: I miss you still
Down the ladder: For Lauren

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.880797
Overall Rank: 10295
Posted: August 25, 2004 1:41 PM PDT; Last modified: August 25, 2004 1:41 PM PDT
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[8] Dovina @ | 25-Aug-04/5:19 PM | Reply
Leave out "most" in "most purest."
"Taking me away from me" is good, minus the comma.
Pretty good overall.
[4] nentwined @ | 27-Aug-04/10:57 AM | Reply
breath -> breathe; it's -> its

the rule to put a comma wherever you want a breath is simply wrong.
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