Shuushin31 Oct 2003

Dalia – its an interesting piece with some good hooks – I think it needs some structure changes though.

this is one thought:

“finally our voices
intermingled
after several
long months apart
like rays of sun
through the frozen rain”

then another:

your strange marriage
you know you are walking
a fine line
between your love
and earthly desires
keeping me at arm's length

and so on.

I think if you break them out and flesh them out they piece will be better for it. You might even find there are two separate poems here.

Some of the not so subtle sexual metaphors can be toned down a bit too, btw.