Dear Elizabeth, It was worth it just to pacify Mary And keep her from nagging Dads ass Night and day, About what a bum he had raised. So the week before Christmas, Right after bible study, Which I endure on a regular basis, Just to pacify Mary And keep her from nagging Dads ass Night and day About what a bum he had raised, I accepted pastor’s kind invitation And along with a rather odd gathering Of Gods holy elect celebrated The joy of the season And the coming of the new year. So there I was, Forcing good cheer With stone cold Calvinists Nursing a warm beer In consideration of the long drive home alone. In a sudden moment of unexpected silence I squeezed out what I thought would be a dry one. A welcome relief, Over at once. Imperceptible. And above all anonymous. Instead, I greased my pants With a sound like a trumpet Right out of The Book of Revelation, Exposing my crudeness and warning all Of the foulness soon to follow. Then, standing there suddenly alone I saw you for the very first time, Admiring with all seriousness, A painting done on black velvet Of poker playing dogs sitting around a card table Enjoying a friendly game That hung on the far wall. All the while, unaware that your dress Had bunched up and was stuck In the crack of your ass. Turning away, you stopped dead in your tracks And with a painful grimace And a mouthful of devilled egg I heard you say with a mixture Of disgust and disbelief: “Jesus fucking Christ” “Mary, Mother of God” “Who the fuck had mother fucking rock snails For mother fucking breakfast this morning!” You took one look my way and shook your head, Realizing I was the one responsible For the unholy stench that had at last permeated The entire room forcing the other guests To spill out onto the patio in utter horror. Keep in mind I’m talking about people who Without a trace of fear speak of their willingness To endure the nightmare of the great tribulation Destined to come upon this earth At the end of this present age, Or so they say. Then you gave me a little smile Just to make me feel a little bit better about myself All at once I knew I had found my My one true love. I shit my pants again though, When I found out you were pastor’s youngest daughter Who had just flown in from LA the night before. We got along so well the next couple of days That I was getting pretty bummed out About you having to get back to The City of Angels. But I knew when you asked my to give you a ride To catch your plane you wouldn’t be leaving On any flight going out that day. Those three days and nights we spent At the Budget Suites out by the airport, Sucking and fucking our brains out, Really turned me upside down and inside out. I love you Elizabeth. I can’t tell you how much I miss you And just how much you mean to me. I got a call from Howard the other day And it looks like I may be called back to work In a week or two, which is really cool Because without you around, I really don’t know what to do with myself. Trevor stopped by last night to show off The new Dremel tool Kathy got him for his Christmas. I really wanted you to meet him when you were here, But I’ll introduce you to him When you come down next month for your birthday as planned Don't forget to remind me to give you your 40 whacks, Oh well, you can't stay 39 forever. If you see your friend with the red phosphorus, Try to score that and I’ll blow off a batch As soon as you get here, And we’ll be good to go. I went over to your dads to get the tools I left there when I helped your brother that one day. Your dads doing fine. He told me to give you his love If I talked to you. Well, I gotta go. My ride is outside. Oh yeah, the transmission went out on the Camaro, So I gotta deal with that bullshit Call me as soon as you can. I love you. Michael XXX OOO