Replying to a comment on:

# 2 (Lyric) by Lifeboatman

If caves be clandestine, they shall prove no refuge of mine In haste, concealed behind weaves and folds meager dafodills, Necessity's promise I ask be thine Let it then cling to thy wings, gush forth from hidden springs Let thy glory shine, let it blaze. Ours is what they are longing. Yet go gently, never in haste. Deny not what you desire to taste Then shall glee befall us. And permit them, we shall, our hearts to tame Yet long before this is done, we shall dance upon their dying names. Imperturbably, we shant cease. By each breathless smile let our laughter increase Nonchalant we shall prove to be against their want for hunger appeased "Form in wild violets into boquets. Let music sing," we shall say. Me, you and Solitude shall together feast. We'll set our hunger upon the sight we leave And shall we cry our tears as we prove spectators to all of Autumn's plays. When ends Time's full requirement and thus sleep flanked by timeless walls, Does it mean that ours is done? Must we to Time's fall fall? There never was a king who us did rule; society had branded us fools. We never did want, we never did need. Let them suffer their own greed. We have ourselves to be true with. We need not show haste nor speed. Ours is one absolute in Time-Reality where we live our universe. Ours was but meant to be sung in magnificence or in beauty versed. So veil not, my love, what is truly ours and hold until Time calls us by the hour He may soon reach his minutes and seconds yet we shant yield, beloved. Each threat he holds to make two us shall yet hold still our shadows' contour. We are one, my love. We shall bend neither to lower fire nor to the ice above. We shall hold Forever by the fittings and shall, our hearts, through Eternity move. For caves belie secrecy and thine has plainess its intricacies. And Necessity's promise? Cleaved yet and quelled her fire! Cling! Cling! Let us to haste. Let you and me be our only desire. Let them all their follies prove while we on golden rainbows move. Shhhh! Be quiet. Be Still. Else our secret betrays. Only you shall know of my love.

Ranger 26-Oct-06/1:24 AM
This is good in places and not-so-good in others. 'Me, you and Solitude...' is good. 'There never was a king who us did rule; society had branded us fools' is not so good. Have a comb through the grammar, and reverse about 75% of the word order inversions. That's what I'd do, anyway.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001