Replying to a comment on:

The Struggling Poet's Lament (Free verse) by Ranger

So beautiful, that baffled moon Who watched my gentle hands - quiet In low-lit room move, exploring Soft sweeps across such pale skin Your body bared in honesty Smooth lines shown - all unashamed Then deftly flowed red silken dress Volcano ripple in reverse Extravagance shone, golden-trimmed To cover over canvas frame Slip on lace glove, then summer hat I line your eyes and brush your lips An idol of adultery I look again To notice threads which snake behind Like lazy flies, a drunken waltz A crooked hem, a button gone And in the heavy candle glow I stumble like the pregnant flame Wishing mine was Master craft The tailor's mind of genius For the seamstress cannot dress herself

ecargo 13-Feb-06/2:09 PM
Some nice lines, Ranger, but not hanging together quite yet. Some images don't stand close scrutiny ("deftly flowed"; "volcano ripple in reverse"? "idol of adultery"--what's the story there? snaking flies, pregnant flame). I do like the sound of this and some images like a hem waltzing drunkenly, but it needs some tweaking.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001