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Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) (Free verse) by cyan9

The wicked glared at the glowing drops of steel That dripped from the scarred charred anvil. Beads of tempered steel streaked through rimose veins Into crevice like crimson forks of lightning in the rain. Stepping back into the wardrobe to retreat from the storm, The wicked steel beings raped the weakling fawn. Exercising demons brought a rush to their iron brains, A relief to those who struggled through each day. Entangled in a fantasy world where each could go bezerk, Sodomising talking animals as they lay there in the dirt. Void of responsibility that let hearts fly free, Released to do their dark little things in a world, A world that does not cause us any misery. Lying in the snow beneath oak and willow While frost crawled over their burning hearts, Lying to themselves and lying to their brothers, Advising people on the problems of each other. Beauty poured down all day And they missed it as they played, Wishing for something real The alloyed creatures got back to their evil.

cyan9 9-Dec-05/1:15 PM
I can see your point, the change of focus is causing quite some disturbance for people, and for me when you reflect it. The way I wrote it was just as a stream of thought with usually the next point of focus beginning where the previous one ended, it appears it has not payed off. The pleasant scene by the way is supposed to illustrate an attachment to material pleasures. I am planning a re-write, and I will try to stick to the metallurgy and stormy imagery and focus next time.




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