I saw Schwarzenegger in Sainsburies (Stallone was on the till) De Nero was in the cheese section Hunting for bargains and thrills. Kate Moss was busy preaching perfection, (But I saw her loading her basket with confections) And donuts, cream cakes and such, (It was an understandable deception, But a row broke out in the biscuit section When Bruce Willis made a fuss.) Cindy Crawford and Richard Geer Had an argument by the freezers, Joe Pesci looked dangerous round by the beer And I hoped he hadn't seen us. Travolta was stacking trolleys, Cruise was sweeping floors, Harrison Ford sat on his arse And would not stack shelves no more. It was a Superstar bonanza, At the Supermarket today, What was normally just a boring chore, Became a star-studded holiday. There were palm trees in the sunny aisles, Golden sand upon the floor, A beautiful, deep, azure blue ocean, Lapped at the revolving door. The car-park buzzed with jet-skis, Yaughts jaunted down the road, Surfers caught waves by the petrol pumps, So we lashed the shopping to a tropical raft, And lazily floated home. With one hand steadying the shopping, And one leg in the cool blue sea, The frozen stuff got all thawed out, So we cast the burgers free. Soon we were miles away, Rowing hard for Minster, The French stick mast leaned and swayed, The raft began to splinter. The sun went in, The clouds came out, Calm replaced, By bitter doubts. The waves got higher, The troughs got deep, I put my head on some wet bread, And tried to get some sleep. A week later we were down, To gravy, cornflakes and beer, We ate the cereal and used the box, As a rudder so we could steer. I navigated by the stars, I passed the roofs of floating cars, I sailed the ocean near and far, I bagan to panic. My supplies were running dangerously low, I had no fresh water to make the gravy, I stood on my raft, desolate, alone, And shouted for someone to save me. I used the Sainsburies carrier bags, To roughly fashion a net, I trawled the deep black sea for fish, As the sun began to set. I saw a figure on a floating trolley, He shouted me from starboard, I was saved! I waved my arms, It was good old Harrison Ford! Just as we could row no further, With our vieda-supermop oars, We sighted ahead a nice calm harbour, And we fixed a docking course. As soon as we had stumbled ashore, Harrison went to find a phone, Reporters were massed upon the beach, But Harrison sneaked of for home. He left in a long black limousine, I walked up to the passers by, They would not believe the things I'd seen, They though my adventures lies! But Sainsburies was closed the following day, And I have since been informed, That sea-weed in the aisles was being cleared away, And sand-dunes being swept from the floors. Yes, one day in late December, Peoples shopping lives were changed, I rememeber when the store was full of sunshine, I'll never forget the one time, That shoppers slipped their chains.