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Talia Eternal (Free verse) by Enkidu

Of late her temper, Flaring alike to mortal rage Is slaked by birds of down Which flutter beside her And give brief comfort The cobalt shadows cast Talia in the palest light While she disapproves the daring, Wild dance of sunny morning About her person Alone She stands alone Her eyes closed to A swift and swollen reality Robbed painfully of darkness Alas! Talia Vampiress no more

DoubleU 21-May-05/11:13 AM
Hmm...I wouldn't say that this one sucks but the choice of soft birds is not strong. The reference to Talia's need for darkness is a good one. Why not replace the downy birds for something that is more in line with vampires? It doesn't have to turn into a cliché (like mine, but I also wrote a few vampire poems that are quite unorthodox, I'll try to translate them. I love the subject) and if you go careful about it you can still hide her true nature untill the end. Because that's what you obviously wanted.




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