James Rykelangeli18 Mar 2005

...Sorry, my commentary was cut off. Let me continue, and please ignore the short comment above -- my computer is on the fritz.
The flowers bit is rather trite, as flowers tend to be. You could get rid of the "I cannot name the flowers" stanza, which lacks any outstanding material, and insert the "they were not enough" motiff that comes at the end elsewhere to form a smooth transition into the "There are not enough stages of grief" stanza that follows.
Also, finding the deceased's treasure-trove is trite: a picture frame, a marble, a shoe-string... it reads like a Hallmark card. Perhaps by inserting more personalized items, you can give the reader a better idea of the deceased's character, which you so loved.
It seems to me that if you were to pursue poetry further, you could begin to produce some really excellent material. Given the universality of the sentiments expressed in this poem, might I suggest your next poem, as a sort of exercise, focus on something more esoteric?
I particularly enjoyed the language and ideas in Flow and in the following excerpts:
"Sun finally closed in for the kill.... The sun shattered into prisms that splattered against the wall..."
"For fear of giving you enough peace to let go."
"The squeeze, the opposite of birth."
It would take up too much space were I to further examine this poem, but I'll make one last suggestion: as it really is an integrated whole -- integrate it. Get rid of the names to the subpoems, and give it an overall name. Once again, superb.