Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 22:24:08 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Once there was a time, When you loved me. A time where I had your support And I could do no wrong. Once there was a time When I was happy; Where a smile wasn't uncommon But it has been so long. Now it is a time Of heartbreak and hurt, When I cry more than smile, And the sorrow I feel is strong. Now it is a time Where you lost yourself Inside of the stranger That has nowhere to belong. I wish for a time Where I find what I lost; The person who means most Who sang me that song. I wish for a time When I can smile again, But without you Im empty And the life I live is wrong.

James Rykelangeli

3-Mar-05/12:16 AM

A very common sentiment expressed -- very -- tritely. Considering that you're working with a sentiment most have experienced to some degree, your primary concern is not in endowing the reader with an understanding of it, but rather in the poeticizing of it. If you want to continue writing poetry, I suggest you experiment with the potential of poetic language: for instance, as an exercise, you might try writing this poem several different ways, each time using different imagery and metaphors. At the same time, however, retain the clearness of expression that you already seem to possess; as it stands, your poetry is more like banal prose. Avoid trite phraseology or word choices like: "once there was a time", "happy", "smile", "cry more than smile", "sorrow I feel is strong", "stranger", "nowhere to belong", "I wish", "sang me that song", "I'm empty", etc. Let your language off its leash! The opposite of banality is novelty, so seek to be novel -- but be sure to still communicate clearly. Then you will make progress.

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