Shuushin11 Jan 2005

I like the language, but it's plagued a little by some grammar/syntax issues and it looses something with concessions to rhyme and format. Easily fixed all, I think.

Starts with "fundamental" - I want it to be "fundamentally" but it could really be that you meant it as "fundamental" - EXCept then I see the "were" which certainly should be "we're", the the un-need "being" in "being constructed", some extra commas and I come to "together we loot", "[together we] death" so I start to doubt the correctness of "fundamental" all the more.

I'd like to see a version without all the indentations since it tends to be a distraction if the thing isn't *perfectly clear* to begin with.

The last seven lines are nice and clean, a little messy just above it (the stealth line seems very forced for ("wealth")).

Pretty close, pretty close.