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"I wonder out of my dark tomb"
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Did you wonder, as in ponder, or _wander_ as in roam? Big difference girlie.
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"as I remembered all your lies"
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First you started off speaking in the present tense, and then shifted to the past tense, which isn't good grammar. It confuses people, and they won't know whether they should be considering these actions as presently occuring or having already occurred. Crippled poems don't succeed with crutches, and if it's handicapped, in poetic sense, it's as good as dead.
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"I could still here my cries"
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Now did you mean 'here' as in 'Come here' or _hear_ as in 'I can hear you'? Again, big difference, causes most seasoned writers to laugh or chuckle, and we really can't help it... It matters girlie.
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"From when you choked me with all my ties"
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Now honestly, did you wear ties? I'm confused, perhaps you're into the late 80's style dyke-drag queen scene? If your forcing the rhyme, it detracts from the poem, cripples it, and the resultant chuckles then kill it. Don't ever force rhyme, if you want a rhyme structure, make it natural and fluid-- if it won't fit, fuck it and free verse.. you're better off in the long run, natural rhyming takes awhile for some to develope.
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"migraines from all the flashbacks was worser than"
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Worser, as my fourth grade teacher stressed, "Is never to be used. It is not a word, it is bastardised english. Illiterate people are the only ones who have an excuse for horrible grammar, but you folks are not illiterate." Worse is never stressed. There's two choices: Worse or Worst. Example:
'My headaches are continually getting worse.'
OR
'This is the worst use of grammar I have ever seen.'
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"Ever since we made love out in sea"
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Out in sea? It's proper english to make use of articles, which are the words, -a- , -an- , and -the-. So it should be written as such: "Ever since we made love out in the sea." Now, did you guys figure out the secret to swimming and fucking while also having to deal with the waves and the currents, or did you make love _on the beach_? DON'T FORCE THE RHYME...
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"I though I had nothing to fear"
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'thought' -- Obviously a typo right? Well, that's not a good excuse anyway, specially when theres
http://www.spellcheck.net -- CHECK IT, CORRECT IT.
Then you won't have jerks like me pointing it out afterwards, comprende?
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"No reason to throw out a tear"
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This is what happens when you force the rhyme, you end up making statements that don't really make too much sense at all. DON'T FORCE THE RHYME, IT IS A POETIC CRIME, PLEASE ATLEAST TAKE THE TIME TO PERFECT THE FUCKING DESIGN.
Ok? Just trying to grind it in so it sticks.
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"but a women with a knife"
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Women? Is he killing one _WOMAN_ or several _WOMEN_? Use the plural and singular forms correctly please, or folks'll just get confused, irritated, or really amused. Unless you intend to confuse, irritate, or amuse the reader, you will cripple the poem. If it was supposed to be a pimple, post it as such (in which case it would deserve a freakin ten and a special award.)
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"Then stabbed the women in the chest"
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Same thing again. GRAMMAR IS IMPORTANT IN WRITING AND BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY AND NOT APPEAR ILLITERATE.
Now I'm done being anal.. and I feel like a crabby english teacher, which is horrible, but it's essential to know this shit. Next, some things I liked:
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I just wish you could be dead
I would love to see you laying hopelessly covered in red
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Even though it's forced rhyme, and the use of red in place of blood is pretty old, it still shows some promise for you. So it's noteworthy at the least.
The emotion is there, the message is somewhat clear (though horribly expressed and badly written.) so you simply need to practice writing, using correct grammar, improving your spelling, and ofcourse: YOU SHOULD READ POETRY FROM THE MASTERS-- Allen Ginsberg, T.S. Eliot, Jack Kerouac, Arthur Rimbaud, William S. Burroughs, Edgar Allen Poe, etc, etc, who ever gives you the right dose and style of poetic injection to give you an idea of how real poetry is written and crafted.
I will refrain from voting, for some reason I feel like being merciful and not going for the kill.. so don't get worked up, I rarely ever point out this stuff kindly, and the proofreading above isn't shit compared to when I thrash horrible poems worse than yours. I too sucked at spelling and grammar, but the more I read the easier it was.