How much longer do I have to spend with my fingers working between my legs comtemplating death and getting C-'s on math exams Dodging gossiping friends and porn sites and fantasies about teachers and coaches and friend's dads Trying to hold on as a 14 year old without letting me show to everyone and getting hurt by them and anyone else who comes along Taking care of myself the best way I can relieving tension with my right hand and lying about it to my best friends Discussing guys and gays and God and menstrual cramps Worrying about hair and clothes and shoes and the pain that eats me away and is s'posed to be buried but lingers by day