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Ode to Jack (Free verse) by Skamper And I shall fall in the hollows of the great pretender
to be swallowed by water-colours...chained in their vanity
the road to Jack is lost
so - come forth the sweet pretender
wend you words through the passages of past masterâs echo - I will
follow the shadowy intrusions
you create within my mind -
And cry for Jack
Empty needles stick to basic principles
of sculpted pretty pictures -
where is a girl to dream...
when every image painted is over-sized and details blurred
every word written
grabs needily for attention -
those who read can see the imitation
of their little lives -
flushed out and waved about
and they all think
Yesâ¦thatâs just how I feel
And poetry is lost
Up the ladder:
Elmer's Last Try
Down the ladder:
Respiration for a Lack of Dizzyness
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Posted: May 21, 2007 9:08 PM PDT; Last modified: May 21, 2007 9:08 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.1490035 Overall Rank: 5299 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 216.77.71.149
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22-May-07/11:09 AM
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Reply
And poetry is lost - And since romance is the beauty of things far away or gone, let the poetry of who Jack was roll on. May parents were not nearly as romantic during their lives as they are now. I like this.
[n/a]
Skamper @ 202.6.132.192
> Dovina
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22-May-07/3:32 PM
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Reply
I've only just discovered Jack, and all he stood for. Thanx for the input...
You seem to be aiming more for word-music - put some subtle rhymes in to make it move smoothly.
I thought there was some, and alliteration, and assonances. I confess to not editing this at all. I would appreciate any input given, if you can see where this needs work let me know pls. With that said I don't want to lose the 'feel' of lamenting spontaniously about the lack of true poetry.
I'm assuming from the title that this is an ode, at least in some sense. It could do with some meter. But if you don't want to stick to a strict system, use internal rhymes or mid-line rhymes to give it a subtle kick along. There's nothing wrong with editing a poem, it makes it no less valid as a spontaneous thought, and it makes it much better as poetry (usually).
Well kind of an ode, only in the sense it's a dedication I guess. I know what your saying with internal rhymes giving a kick and work the flow...I will work on this, when I get over myself...a week or so should do it...
chained in their vanity? i don't think that phrase works where it is. otherwise clever and thought-provoking. I like the rhythm.
thanks..."chained in their vanity" - hmmm...I can see it working in my head...wanna look? Can't explain it any other way, maybe except to say that most poets refuse to learn, thinking what they write is as vivid as van gogh's Irises, when in reality they dabble with fingerpaint...*shrugs*
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