| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Dear Lord, (Other) by INTRANSIT what is this winter's chill?
Revenge- it calls; I will not rent.
Spirit of man is frozen still
while mercy fills me I'll not be bent
and I am moved if by your will
a robust heart with deep pigment
and I become spring's daffodil
the who I am shall not relent.
Gray hairs spark and thrust me forth
through many tears that I have cried
as I have built this life towards north
these chisels worn I leave behind.
And once I've passed my deathly port
my scroll as long as life is wide
unto you I shall report
though I've not turned man's tide.
Up the ladder:
Inside You
Down the ladder:
Sun's color
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: June 1, 2004 4:37 PM PDT; Last modified: August 24, 2005 3:22 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9525743 Overall Rank: 8747 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[10]
AuntyM @ 152.163.252.165
|
1-Jun-04/4:44 PM
|
Reply
Excellent!
Excellent!
Leaves a nice aftertaste.
Some details - the semicolon/colon maybe better a dash/semicolon and maybe "I'll not be bent" instead of the rent line - something about that sequence with "lent"... perhaps work "relent" in somehow?
Thanks. My wife is posting for me. Somebody's getting their nipples tweaked when I get home. Maybe this poem.
I liked the just on the edge of dark, old romantic feel of this.
My new favorite. Ten does not begin. I especially like the scroll of life. If you are speaking to God, then your and thee should be capitalized. Fantastic writing.
The most religious thing I've seen from you. What gives? I Like it a lot.
Um, this is actually a little old but I went ahead with Shoeis' suggestions because I'm beating myself about the pate deciding how important music is to my poetry. Deep inside, I'm a believer, no matter what the world thinks. Thanks.
This is good. Drop the "thee".
The last line might need an extra syllable I'm not sure but try sounding it out with "mankind's tide".
The rest of it is good.
Thanks. I went through this about five times trying to get 8 syllables per line. I gave up and let my "ear" tell me what to do. I've wondered about a short caesura in that last line and I had a comma in it. You might be right.
I think the rhythm's fine as is. If anything, you need a syllable before "unto" in the line before, but I wouldn't even work too hard on that. Modernish, this way.
321 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
