Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 11:11:14 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

What else can a young mother say? I wake up at night hearing you... And I love and miss you Emily Mae. "Minutes turn hours & the hours to days" As no one, but you, can take my hand What else can a young mother say? When we put you to ground, the display alone sent me into this no man's land I love and miss you dear Emily Mae. "I buried my heart with, to keep you at play" in that field where the grey stones stand, What else can a young mother say. To those that we had, but went away? I want you to know, "I'm glad you weren't planned." And I love and I miss you Emily Mae. One day soon, with you too, I will stay by your grave as a mother, and friend. What else can a young mother say... But I love and miss you my Emily Mae.

Goad

4-Feb-04/3:28 PM

I didn't make it the whole way through your diatribe, but near the beginning you blurt something about this being a "serious" pome.

Ok let's test that claim, lol...here goes...

you're missing a "to" in s.2 L.1
In S.4 L.1, why "I buried my heart with" and not "I buried my heart with you" -- is this a colloquialism I don't know or was it to save a syllable for the rhythm?
in the next line, "that field" comes off pretty corny, why not just "in a field where grey stones stand"?
S.5 L.1 "...but went away" should be "...who went away" or "...but who went away"

now, after you're done getting all pissy at me like a senile cat that thinks it owns its owners house & everything in it, why don't you go make some constructive comments on one of my pomes? If you can. I personally doubt it. You obviously have some talent for writing, but apparently little ability to read and understand and contribute to others' writing. If I'm wrong, however, I'd be quite interested to hear your feedback. Foaming at the mouth at me, however, will not make me cry. It might make me giggle, and show it to someone for a good laugh.

adding in the "dear" and "my" to the 2nd rhyming line is a sweet touch.

Note to Lenore: I have to say, it's pretty fucking hard to miss that this pome is about a dead daughter, not a lost love.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

An internet tradition since June 9, 2001