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Her bloody diamonds (Villanelle) by Bachus

I loved her bloody diamonds. An impure virago with no windsock. But she will never leave that Island. The way her stones are fashioned. Confabulations became clear rock. I loved her bloody diamonds. When they shined I was enlivened. For her I crowed a healthy cock. But she will never leave that Island. Her eyes are an oriental almond. See how the natives flock. All love her bloody diamonds. I tried to tell her as a friend. That she chose instead to mock. She will never leave that Island. One day soon, she will be wisened. To the ticking of the clock. I loved her bloody diamonds, But she will never leave that Island.

Nanshe 26-Feb-03/5:57 PM
A suggestion:
try and ease the connections between the lines. Make the rhythm more natural, easy, as spoken word. This is base carbon, and pressure must be applied; too much, and striations ruin the effect; too little, marcasite. You, sir, are a smooth-tongued devil. I sense it is not beyond your ken to make the needed modifications. I anticipate the boldness of the results. Accept this seven, for now. I assure you there is an eleven in hiding. Your task will be to draw it out.




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