horus830 Dec 2002

Down time. Quiet time. What people normally use the end of their year for. I have alot of responsiblity ahead of me this year, and i need my focus. You know i think you're great, and fun to be with, but i need to conscentrate more on my career, and less on my abilty to win my mother back. My last hurdles before i turn thirty in two years should be productive towards my creative needs and my family. Not being selfish with drugs, and succulent night caps. I have to choose my life and family, or the other. Sadly, you land in the other. I have been lying to myself about love, poetry, art and the need for my pain and loneliness to accompany that. You were dragged into my nightmare late, and thankfully so. before i knocked you up, or hurt those close to me with my selfishness. I'm sorry. You're free, and so am i. My bad dreaming ends now. I don't want to hurt myself or others anymore. Don't you get it. i've been sick for ten years. Sick of me. i live through others. Their interpretatations of me and what i mean to them. it's un-fucking-healthy. bad magic. It ends here. I'm sorry. i've lived likr rimbaud..now i need to just be jeremi. he's not so bad. i even have forgotten what i set out to prove with my rebellious revolution when i got out of prison and started doing drugs to begin with. it was all a selfish. egotistical lie, and i bit into it hook line sinker, slept with it, ate it, breathed it, but no more. i'm getting more comfortable being alone with myself these days. i'm regaining my will power, and instead of the heroin and the hot virgin..i'm going to choose my son, and my boston market girlfriend instead. See i'm not ashamed of who or what i am anymore. my family is giving me their support and love i need hands down, no questions asked. to help me with my drinking and drugs and whoring, and i think they finally deserve my attention and focus. For the love of christ..i deserve it and so do they, and you do too. Someone more available to you and your needs. It's night and day, so clear in front of me can't you see it. the future, i don't have to be miserable to perform or write. i don't need impressionable hotties telling me what i want to hear. i need to listen to myself, and grow the fuck up. and that's exactly what i'm doing.n