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Through the channel (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta

Going from home to class and back I travel in a boat that's packed Amidst the changing tide And land stretched out on either side. The land on my right I see That's filled with butterflies and trees, Pure green grass - their scents' a wonder With sunshine brightening the land that's under. The land on my left I see With houses practically touching the sea Over-population, fights and threats Where life's real difficult - full of debts. The land on my right is calling me To come away from reality To feel the peace and serenity Of love's true identity. But the land on my left pulls me back To visualise the intense black Of what I think and do and say Calling me back to do repair. We do travel this channel daily We do see the land and trees, We do hear the cries of birds Despite life's difficulties. Yet, do we pause to meditate Upon the mystery - Of the land that's viewed both left and right Made for you and me.

ALChemy 5-Dec-05/2:12 AM
For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others.
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.

Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.

You also get some enjambment this way.

You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-




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