Replying to a comment on:

Save our Self(revised to be a trek into the vent tent) (Free verse) by Crakyamuni

There is a function for this thing I have it cannot be, but only wills Pushing itself into itself, it denies instrumental in design, benign and blind A bullet for building The preachers prey in paradise,causing young children to run from this sight Further into sweet delight Deeper into endless night Driven Dying But never, EVER<EVER crying death before honesty Denial Entrenched in the wretched waste of a four year hangover we have never been glad to be spiritually sober Hangers on are falling in, into the sacred hotel of sin singing,hoping for revelations finding hell in satiation pointing sacramental scented icons "dashing dapper gents and Don Juans" "Not enough your smiling ways" "You must leave, but your soul will stay" They found my sacred heart smelly and repugnant but they recycle, so they exclaimed "fuggit" "We can make 3.50, and buy a couple charcoal filtered" "Look at the design on this chumps soul we pilfered" "I think it's some reference to a triumph of the masses" Like Johnny football painter, and those oracles he passes It's radiating something, maybe mismanaged mutual worship "I think he's living in it, it's best if we just torch it"

wilco 2-Feb-05/7:32 PM
You've got some good lines here, and I think if you work on it some more, you might be able to get more cohesion. The stream of thought thing works, but oftentimes you still have to revise it so that it makes sense to the reader on some level. I can pick out things here that I understand, but then it goes to something else. I rarely edit my writing based on what people want and I rarely reveal what they are about. My feeling on it is that you need to derive your own meaning from it. At least in abstract cases. Some poems are good because you get it and some are good because everything works, even though you might not understand it. Worth working on.




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