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Sylvania Wilderness (Free verse) by jessicazee
I'm always paddling in front of you in the lake, in the canoe, I dig, cut the water, you steer us in J-flits, your oar angles us to the first spit before our site through the branches. There won't be any bears, you said, but I heard him first, that black cub running races along the shore. You did the right thing, acting bigger than yourself and loud, and all night in the tent I kept holding you tighter in case the mother bear found our scent, your Old Spice, my store-brand Pantene.

Up the ladder: Widow
Down the ladder: No one's Victory

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.0
Weighted score: 5.357609
Overall Rank: 3362
Posted: August 23, 2007 2:01 AM PDT; Last modified: August 23, 2007 2:01 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] deleted user @ 63.127.193.79 | 23-Aug-07/2:21 PM | Reply
Nice write.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 65.29.52.204 | 24-Aug-07/6:35 AM | Reply
YES ! Two small nits. J-flits, and Old spice... oh wait
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
[9] richa @ 85.210.180.87 | 24-Aug-07/1:26 PM | Reply
Not keen on the final line but this is good. I like how a little story is interweaved into the poem.
[9] http://mulberryfairy @ 207.5.159.9 | 24-Aug-07/3:09 PM | Reply
I like the last line; their scents are a cliche in themselves, pre-packaged and all, and I like that you refused to acknowledge their other scent ingredients. How cliche is it,really, when perhaps 25% of the population use those products? When is it cliche, and when is it just statistically accurate?
[10] INTRANSIT @ 65.29.52.204 > http://mulberryfairy | 25-Aug-07/6:39 AM | Reply
That's just it. It becomes statistic and loses some of the personal feeling, for me. If it is accurate to her situation, nuttin I can do about that.
[9] http://mulberryfairy @ 207.5.159.9 > INTRANSIT | 25-Aug-07/9:19 AM | Reply
But then, most people ARE in the majority.
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