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Settling in (Other) by INTRANSIT Winter is sliding in,
I can hear it in
the way the garage door
squeals against it's track.
The washer and dryer fight
like brother and sister,
my front door asks:
"Whoooo are you?"
The ceiling fan hums,
whirrs and tinks a sconce.
Turning the heat up, the motor
shudders to a start; ducts
bwong in approval.
Still, there's one room that
hoards the blankets and re-
fuses to warm up.
I make my way towards the
bathroom as the floor groans
adoringly, and the plumbing
sings its' vibrato welcome
as the tub fills slowly.
I sink in and listen to
the house pulling
the siding tight.
Up the ladder:
Navy Pier
Down the ladder:
Deep inside silence of a dark breeze
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Posted: March 13, 2006 2:27 PM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2006 11:23 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2622466 Overall Rank: 3972 Comments:
A good bed-time read until I come to emotional responses in your fixtures, "in approval" or "adoringly." I'm not sure I like a snooping floor.
consider yourself part of the furniture
I'm assuming the translation of this is:
You are an inanimate object that cannot write poetry. Though, it could be a compliment suggesting I am a fixture of poemranker. OR It could be a suggestion on how to improve the poem. I don't suppose you might care to clue me in, would you?
Hee--you know this one. Oliver! "Consider yourself . . . at home/consider yourself part of (par to?) the furniture . . . ".
Cool poeme, bwonging and all. I agree with Dovina re: adoring floor--it jarred me out of this for whatever reason. Good sounds in this--"whirrs and tinks a sconce."
ecargo's got it! and i like the personification of the objects in your poem, which made me think of that song... i also had a run in with the song at the local karoke bar the other night, an old homeless lady kept going up and singing songs like that one, strangest experience in a few days, but i like in la/oc so i should be witnessing a stranger one any moment.
hums
and whirrs and tinks a sconce The two 'ands' stand out a bit unpleasantly, I would also agree that that the anthropomorphism of the inanimate is a a bit distracting, especially 'adoringly'. It just doesn't seem very floorish, anyway if floors adore anything its plush carpet not the people who walk on it. Perhaps what you really have hear is a temporal throughback from the future, and echoe of the house where every part has its own personality, such as the doors somewhere in The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy
I've reconsidered. I think that hardwood floor has a perfect right to look "adoringly" up my skirt after those dents I left in it with my spike heels.
Then after you leave the room it goes into the bathroom and polishes itself for a half hour.
ace, I think??
I sure did;)
I know, the restraining orders in the mail.
Sorry ladies, the floor adores (like the rest of the house) the presence of its owner. And don't the groan/adore/floor almost sound like groans? And don't they make noises even if they're carpeted? Or does everyone own a high tech no-squeak flooring system. bleh. I'll take a house with character any day.
Thanks for the help. Is it better?
Not sure what changed, honestly, but here's a revote.
Just curious--what made you choose tercets?
I cut a few more ifs ands and buts out. closed the tercets and shifted the vibrato line around. Why tercets? Because I'm still grappling with the best use of line breaks thing. Now , where did I put my fender skirt.
Nice.
I have no problem with the way you animate - humanize - the house. You could loose some 'and', I think. Same goes for the 'as'. To me they're like nails sticking out a bit.
You should change the title to show that this is a house that someone's returning to. Some great imagery, especially the house pulling the siding tight.
Thanks guys! Right now the critiqing is better here than over at scrawl. Too bad really. I was all set to "get serious". Ha!
Nothing over there that I cant get here. And Have FUN doing it too!
This is a beautifully musical poem, with different sounds and creaks to savor almost in every verse. Kudos for 'bwong', and cheers for the plumbing in vibrato!
'adoringly' jarred, I must agree. Maybe 'companionably', 'cheerfully' or something alond those lines would be more appropriate?
nice, how about spring though? "its" should replace "it's"
I love the imagery in this. The last stanza is really good--a great setup for the title--man and house "settling in" together.
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I trust you don't have to live in your motor all winter?