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The Ocean (Haiku) by Fayt Salty ocean waves,
Always moving with the wind,
Bringing life to all.
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: March 6, 2006 8:32 AM PST; Last modified: March 7, 2006 9:55 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7685 Comments:
[8]
ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11
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6-Mar-06/9:19 AM
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Reply
Unless the ocean's name is "Sweet" I suggest losing the possesive form. While your at it change "Sweet" to something else. The ocean's not sweet it's salty. What's with all the caps in the first line.
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Fayt @ 141.157.35.222
> ALChemy
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6-Mar-06/9:57 AM
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Your right, i just wrote it and posted it before i walked out of my last class. I didnt take the time to edit it, ill do it now.
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Fayt @ 141.157.35.222
> ALChemy
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6-Mar-06/9:58 AM
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and i like it better without the possessive as well now that you mention it, ill take that out as well.
I hate to say it but you're a syllable over. Change 'water' to 'spray', perhaps, that would fix it.
i changed it up a bit and didnt realise that i added a extra syllable, i fixed it up.
Yes, it works better now.
i like this, but i'm going to engage in some semantics here: the ocean doesn't bring life to anyone/anything. in fact, it doesn't bring. life exists because of the ocean's properties, but a fair amount of death happens because of the ocean, also.
i like the ocean. i like what you have written. i guess i just see the ocean as a formidable force of nature that can cut in both directions. this haiku shows only one edge of the blade.
Rain brings life, and comes from the ocean, so indirectly Fayt can be forgiven.
Ocean water moves more with its deep currents than with the wind. Perhaps you mean that the apparent movement of waves is with the wind.
Actually, strong winds and a long fetch cause huge seas and lots of water/wave movement.
The change i made may make you like it better; let me know.
Waves move because the wind drives them, but the water in the waves only moves in little circles, with a small amount of foreward motion. So this edit is an improvement. The word "always" isn't quite right though, because sometimes waves are created by a long fetch of wind in a particular direction, but then they keep going after the wind changes or because the waves move beyond where the wind is. And the last line is troubling with "all" for similar reasons. Some life is not brought from the waves.
Usually a haiku has a sort of pause or break after either the first or second line. This one doesn't, but in this case I think it works because of the continual movement of the waves. I'm not a fan of the last line though. The word "Salty" works against it (I don't think salty water as life-giving). It sounds a bit trite too, "to all"? really? With the right change in that last line, this could be a very good haiku, imho.
The only problem I have with it is it is an incomplete sentence, "bringing" being in the present tense form. You might try:
Gentle ocean waves, Always moving with the wind Breathe a life to all But I'm not trying to write it for you. In fact, I don't really like what I wrote either X( 246 view(s)
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