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In response to (Other) by INTRANSIT
I am the deer caught off guard by my own complacent headlights, forgetting momentum and staring at this eight percent upgrade. Forgive me if I burp the brakes backpedal and drop two, three, four gears. This road is not on any map. It is something to negotiate my bulky conveyance through these too tight corners with my limited sight distance and reminders flashing like brake-lights in the mirrors. Puritans scowl as I pass their tidy little boxes, the fingering trees flicking my antennae. It has been too long away from this discomfort ,my mind cramps wondering if this is just a slow road to another slow road and my eyes fix on a (bug) crashing onto my bonnet as the temp- orary hood ornament quickly rights itself and flies away as I snatch the wheel back from the edge , over correct, correct , splitting hairs, gears, my hands blistering from the constant friction. I know that eventually the trees will open to a straighter road in an open meadow and a small toll bridge waiting. My eyes will scale the next hill, I'll sigh, and remember to keep my foot in it.

Up the ladder: Royal Blades
Down the ladder: The Rockets’ Song

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.537883
Overall Rank: 2561
Posted: February 13, 2006 3:59 PM PST; Last modified: February 13, 2006 3:59 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 13-Feb-06/4:24 PM | Reply
All throughout that poem I could hear a distant horn; a ghost of one of your lost kin maybe, or so I thought. Turned out it was my brother playing GTA3 in the next room.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 13-Feb-06/5:17 PM | Reply
Did you consider the five "poems" posted just prior, and decide even a drunken driver off an 8% corkscrew with a set of doubles parked outside can do better on five minutes of kiosk time?

The "deer" analogy starts off well, and I wish you'd drove in on through. But when the road is not on the map and then gets wordily into "It is something to negotiate, well, I says, "deer have pretty good sense." And is "my" really needed that often? I'm no Gimmy-driver, but I'm trying to visualize brake lights in mirrors. "Trees flicking my antenna" is deer-like and descriptive though. "Splitting hairs and splitting gears" is good. Consider the deer, don't be queer. Yeah, I'm doin' no better.
[n/a] deleted user @ 195.157.153.249 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/9:31 AM | Reply
Fuck off dyke
[n/a] god'swife @ 71.103.98.44 | 13-Feb-06/5:47 PM | Reply
Discribe complacent headlights vs. disgruntled, rude or inconsiderate headlights.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > god'swife | 13-Feb-06/6:11 PM | Reply
The deer is caught offguard by headlights that are fearful and confusing. But really they complacently shine as directed and are in themselves no threat. Maybe I'm way off, but I think it's a nice image.
[9] zodiac @ 209.193.9.236 > Dovina | 13-Feb-06/6:35 PM | Reply
The highest form of morality is not to feel at home in one's own home.

- Theodor Adorno
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 13-Feb-06/7:25 PM | Reply
Morality rises from immorality - Dovina
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 13-Feb-06/8:08 PM | Reply
Don't wizz on the electric fence - Ren & Stimpy
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > ALChemy | 13-Feb-06/8:26 PM | Reply
"Thou shalt not wizz on the electric fence" is found in no code of morality that I know of. Speaking the mind of a real person writing such codes, with whom I have no personal affiliation or anatomy conducive to experimentation in the act, I would certainly not stamp my great influence on a command having its own built-in punishment for sin.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 13-Feb-06/9:25 PM | Reply
Funny, I just thought it sounded funny.
[n/a] deleted user @ 195.157.153.249 > ALChemy | 14-Feb-06/9:32 AM | Reply
Fuck you too
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > deleted user | 14-Feb-06/10:17 AM | Reply
Ha-ha! Been watching alot of Southpark lately?
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > ALChemy | 14-Feb-06/10:15 AM | Reply
I agreed. Intransit is having a bad day it seems.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:18 AM | Reply
Check the name and poems posted.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Ranger | 14-Feb-06/10:20 AM | Reply
Did that. It's our usually good-natured friend.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Ranger | 14-Feb-06/10:21 AM | Reply
Yes, it appears we may have a wanker in our midst. Most likely the same guy who posted the two Gay poems.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ALChemy | 14-Feb-06/10:26 AM | Reply
Yet only one recipient of the (rather highly prized, at least among a certain school of thought) Orange Award. I thought nentwined had stopped giving them out!
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Ranger | 14-Feb-06/10:36 AM | Reply
Hou could it be wanker? All the old poems are INTRANSIT's.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:39 AM | Reply
Look at the name of the chap who left the 'Fuck (X)' comments. Then click it to the profile page. It's not INTRANSIT. Not by a long way.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:40 AM | Reply
No, you're right. INTRANSIT posted the poem, but the comments are by an imposter. Good call.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:43 AM | Reply
These username duplicators are getting cleverer by the day...
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:45 AM | Reply
The imposter uses and lower-case "l" instead of INTRANSIT's upper-case "I". The IP implicates Fraser Allonby, the same who has immitated me on various occasions.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 14-Feb-06/10:47 AM | Reply
Now that is dedicated detectoring! I wouldn't have even tried finding a name for the suspect; merely referred to him as Orange Award Nominee #1
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Ranger | 14-Feb-06/10:56 AM | Reply
I think the Dark Angel "Gay" poem has Frazer as a possible alias also if I remember correctly.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ALChemy | 14-Feb-06/10:58 AM | Reply
Yeah, I was curious enough to check the 'ip by user' link...man that ip is a hotspot for multiplicity.
[9] zodiac @ 209.193.9.236 > Dovina | 13-Feb-06/8:32 PM | Reply
Rises where? And why? - zodiac

Well, this has been fun... *whistles chuffily*
[n/a] god'swife @ 71.103.98.44 > Dovina | 13-Feb-06/9:59 PM | Reply
Fearful headlights?
[n/a] deleted user @ 195.157.153.249 > god'swife | 14-Feb-06/9:32 AM | Reply
Fuck you twice, bitch
[7] ecargo @ 63.22.86.125 | 13-Feb-06/10:45 PM | Reply
Intransit, as good as I think you've gotten over the past couple of years, I don't think anyone, not anyone, could make the "deer in the headlights" image sound anything but hackneyed. And headlights, even by analogy, can't be complacent. (Nor fearful, for that matter. Confusing, sure, because they can confuse.) Semantics aside: the truck imagery would work better, I think, if it were attached to something more developed; something we could get a fix on. Right now this seems just amorphous angst with axles.
[n/a] deleted user @ 195.157.153.249 > ecargo | 14-Feb-06/9:32 AM | Reply
Well why don't you jump off a fucking cliff, you fat fool
[9] richa @ 81.178.237.26 | 14-Feb-06/12:56 PM | Reply
'I am the deer caught off guard by my own complacent
headlights' is fine. I don't think it is meant to be an image so much as a reference to and modification of a cliche.
[9] zodiac @ 209.193.18.30 | 14-Feb-06/12:59 PM | Reply
I'm with the critiquers who said downplay the 'deer in the headlights'. Maybe just have it walk onto the road at night with you coming on. Don't say the actual words 'deer caught in my headlights', whatever adjectives you think might camoulflage them.
[9] Caducus @ 172.143.151.6 | 2-Mar-06/7:11 AM | Reply
You do have a way with words making them like a portal to the scenes you paint so well - in particular i love this line

fingering
trees flicking my antennae.

Always something you do which adds beef to my own creative juices :-)
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